just shout at the screen

23 Mar
I think today is the last weekday I will regularly be at home for the forseeable future. This means that sadly I will no longer be watching Monday’s Neighbours at lunch time, nor the amusing array of daytime TV adverts that bisect it. The adverts in any break give you an instant idea of the target audience of the programme you are watching. Things on during the day are generally spliced with:
– Have you been injured in an accident that wasn’t your fault? (The word ‘accident’ means it was NOBODY’S fault you predatory evil lawyers)
–  Have the time of your life playing online Bingo in a room on your own (indeed, these are now the ‘proud sponsors’ of Neighbours, which is annoying.)
– Try this new air freshener with a completely unnecessary motion sensor – your husband will be wowed.
So already we’re aiming for unemployed/long-term sick leave/housewives.
These are supplimented by a variety of others depending on the programme. Countdown, for instance (not that I watch Countdown..) racks up a good number of stairlift / getting in and out of the bath safely / life insurance ads, immediately reminding you that you’re watching something for the over 70s.
I’ve always been particularly amused by the unbelievably unsubtle Man Advert which makes up every advertisement for a razor. They invariably contain these few elements:
1) This famous sports person needs to look his BEST, and to be at the PEAK of his performance he needs the world’s best SHAVE.
2) Look, this razor looks like an aeroplane when it flies through the air with our fancy graphics.
3) We have used some serious manly TECHNOLOGY to develop this razor.
4) After a good shave you could be a fighter pilot.
5) And then at the end a good-looking WOMAN will come and feel your alluringly smooth cheek and instantly fall in love with you.
I’m always so amused that the marketers really think men are this simple and this stupid. It’s so sweet. However, it was pointed out to me that the equivalent exists for women in the form of the Completely Made-Up Science Shampoo Advert. See, women nowadays don’t just want to be patronised about looking pretty – they’re Thinking Women who want hard facts about the scientific merits of the products they buy. We don’t have any of those, it’s basically just soap for your hair, so we’ll make something up. You know how these go, so I shan’t explain, but my favourite one went like this:
"Your hair is made up of millions of amino acids." Oooooohhh. Like EVERYTHING else in your body, since amino acids are what all proteins are made from. Keep talking…
"Over time, these are lost." Really? Like when you cut your hair, you mean? Right…
"*insert brand name* shampoo replenishes these, with our amino acid technology". Sorry? I thought you weren’t supposed to drink shampoo?… Yes, the only way that could possibly work would be by injesting the amino acids in the shampoo and letting your body turn them into new hair. It would just as likely turn them into new toenails.
Isn’t there some quite strict trading standards thing that says you’re not allowed to give false information in adverts? I’ve never understood how on earth these shampoo ads (and facecream ads) can get away with simple blatent lies.
Oh well, it makes waiting for the next half of Neighbours to come on slightly more amusing.
PS Since living in this house, I have, thanks to Simon, begun to shout at TV adverts. This is basically a transcription of a daily rant, without the "shut up! Nobody cares!" bits.
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4 Responses to “just shout at the screen”

  1. Anne Thomas 23/03/2009 at 10:19 pm #

    Oh mel, you sound like a grumpy old woman…. you sound like me! (re the shaving ads – remember that many of these products are bought by womenn, for their man… wishful thinking? OVW

  2. Simon 24/03/2009 at 10:19 pm #

    Hahaa – so true. I’d love to see an advert along the lines of "Your hair gets dirty. This stuff helps clean it. It’s mostly the water though."Glad I’ve enriched your life :-)And, Mrs. T, you’ve opened a bracket and not closed it!

  3. Alice 02/04/2009 at 10:19 pm #

    I always fall in love with men when I stroke their faces. Doesn’t everybody? And I’m pretty sure they fall in love back as soon as they walk in front of the air freshener….Personally I love the Red driving instructor adverts – the car bit looks fun, but what really cheers him up is having a teenage son that talks to him and a wife that smiles when the voice-over mentions he’s earning up to £30,000 p/a. You can just tell she’s thinking, ‘how many pairs of shoes is that?’

  4. MrTim 06/04/2009 at 10:19 pm #

    "Have you had an accident at work?" "No I spend my day safely watching daytime TV."

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