Omnicient Nick is taking you down

16 Dec
Something I’ve been pondering for a while is the possible link between Father Christmas and God.
No, not that they’re the same person….
So what happens if, as a child, you are told about this mysterious person you never see, assured that he exists and knows about all the good and bad things you do… and then suddenly one day some bratty kid in your class shatters your world by telling you it is all made up? What do you then think about the other mysterious person you never see but, you are assured, also knows about everything you do… If your parents don’t really believe in God either, do they leave you to assume that he is a Santa character – a nice story made up to try and make you be good and add a bit of magic to your life?
But more than that… Santa, we are told, knows when we are good and when we are bad. If we are good, he will bring us presents. If we are naughty, he won’t bring us anything (or, maybe, just a lump of coal). So extrapolate this to the other mysterious person you have just put in the same category as Santa… Invisible, omnicient God must be like invisible, omnicient St Nick, right? We just unconsciously put two similar experiences into the same category. If we are good, God will give us nice things and love us. If we are naughty, God will smite us down and send us to hell. This seems to be a heck of a lot of people’s vague idea about what God is like, and I wonder where they have got it from…
Because I think we are talking about Father Christmas here, not Father God.
You see, Father Christmas has never heard of grace. If we’re on his naughty list, there’s no redemption. You’re getting a lump of coal. Father God sees that we are naughty, and doesn’t like that. But Father God still loves us. And he gives up everything, becomes a human being and defeats death just to put things right; to make sure we never get that lump of coal. Father God is the grace of your mum and dad – who know you have been a pain most of the year, and tell you Santa won’t come, but still buy you your Christmas presents anyway. Maybe you don’t trust Santa to overlook your transgressions, but you know your mum and dad probably will on Christmas day. Well, look up and see your much bigger, much more loving Dad.
Anyway, musing on the slighty sinister, judgemental nature of Omnicient St Nick, and the extremely sinister lyrics of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’, the talented Michael Dornan has rewritten the song. This is what the writers are really saying… heh heh. All together now…

Omnicient Nick is Coming to Town

Omnicient Nick remembers your face
He operates not according to grace
If you’ve been naughty, you’re going down. 

His database logs your every move
One little sin and he’s able to prove…

that you’ve been naughty. You’re going down.

He knows when you are sleeping.
He’s got CCTV
(which stands for Captured Children
Tormented Variously)

He bribed his way in
To being a saint
The presents – he’s got.
The gospel – he ain’t.

If you’ve been naughty, you’re going down.

He saw you kick your sister
And when you played cat-Buckaroo.
You can kiss your sweet D.S. goodbye.
There’s a lump of coal for you.

Stop asking me and stop asking mum,
Stop asking folks on a modest income

Omniscient Nick is coming to town.


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